A quick guide on What to do, once inside a local train!

8 Jul

Today’s episode of Satyamev Jayate was about caste discrimination, untouchability and other shitty stuff going on in India. Hah!. Somebody tell Aamir Khan to try boarding a local train in Mumbai during rush hour! People of all castes touch each other here. All his fears about caste discrimination will be laid  to rest for sure.

I had written an earlier post about local trains which had (I don’t know how but) managed to make it to corner of page 6 of a newspaper. With the same hope, I write this post for my non-existent followers.

Before you continue with this post, I must tell you that there are a few pre-requisites for reading this post. The main need being that you must know how to board a local train; without which you would not know how the interior of a train looks like and would not be able to properly connect with this post. I assume, almost every Mumbaikar would easily fulfill this requirement. But for the few remaining douchebags, please go through this post and enlighten yourselves.

https://chewtiyapanti.wordpress.com/2012/01/11/a-quick-guide-on-how-to-board-a-local-train-in-mumbai/

So, now that you know how to board a train, let me go ahead and tell you what people do inside a local train/you should do inside a local train.

Once inside a train, there are only two possibilities. The train is as empty as your mind OR the train’s as full as your stomach after a free meal. The chances of the first possibility is very rare and it can occur only if you are lucky enough to board the train from the source station. Other times, you have to wage a war to get some space for your toes, once inside the train. I will consider both the possibilities in detail (because I do not have anything else to do!).

Now considering the train is empty when you board the train. There are chances that you might be overwhelmed by this sight and start crying but you must control your emotions and remember why you are here in the first place. If you do not find the best possible seat available for you, your mission in life has failed. So remember your running race in school and run with all the energy you have, as if your life depended on it. But where do you run? You run to a window seat. Not just any ordinary window seat but a window seat which is aligned in the direction of train. This is the only goal in your life. There would be many people who would try to cross your path. But you must not lose your focus until you meet your objective. Any other seat other than the window seat and you must realize that you may be not game for it anymore. A thing to remember is that the seats have to be filled in a  particular order like the one shown below. The picture is self-explanatory.Now assuming, you did not manage to get a seat. Do not lose heart. Stand near a packed seat and touch the shoulder of guy sitting in seat no 3. Now touch the hip of the guy sitting in seat no. 2. Do all this with your sorry face (Yes, the one you use to get extra pocket-money from your mother). Both the guys would twitch their ass a little. And lo! on completion of this magic ritual a little fourth seat would appear out of nowhere just for you!  

Once you are seated, borrow a newspaper from any random guy you see. The newspaper is a public property inside the local trains. But do remember to return the paper before you alight from the train to avoid any trouble. The level of your experience inside a local train can be judged by the way you read the paper inside these trains.

Eventually, the train is going to get crowded to the hilt. Never smirk at people who are hanging their asses off the door. They might not take it lightly and you might repent it the day you would be in their place.

Possibility number two is that the train is super crowded and you somehow manage to get inside using my teachings.

There is not much you can do apart from running your nose through the hair of the guy in front of you; imagining him to be Megan Fox. If you are an engineering student,you might count the number of hands per handle and try to calculate the total number of people in the whole compartment. In such places you must try NOT to remember the porn you watched last night or the sexy time you had with your partner. A slight bulge in your body in the wrong place would lead to a lot of awkward moments for you and the guy standing in front of you. It might also occasionally get you thrown out of the moving train.

Now, remove your bag (if you are carrying any that is) and give it to the guy standing in position no 7 (see diagram). These guys are the designated coolies inside the local train. They have to take your luggage, find a suitable place for it in the attic and also hand it back over to you whenever feel like hopping off the train.

You must always try to find a place for yourselves below the fans. If they are not working, borrow a pen and give the blades a slight push to start them. This is an old technology developed and patented by Mumbai Railways for saving electricity.

Reading other people’s messages is a good way to pass time in such circumstances. However, you have to be careful while doing this. Getting caught would not be a pleasant experience. But the chat messages you read are sometimes dead hilarious. So its worth the risk. Just the other day, unfortunately I saw a guy typing this on his cellphone,

“Janu,  Some weirdo a$$hole is peeking over my shoulders and trying to read the messages. Why doesn’t he bug off!?..”.

I got the hint and moved over to another guy’s messages.

Engineering students and old men can be seen reading religious chants and stuff. A recent study by the Mumbai Railways has shown that these chants are sufficient enough to protect the local trains from terrorists’ wrath and hence no extra security is needed for the trains.

If you are an intellectual kind of person, then you can start a group discussion any moment inside the trains. You do not need to know anybody here. You just have to make a statement about any of the perennial topics given below and everyone would join in.

1. Indian Governments’s inability to tackle corruption.

2. Ideal time for Sachin Tendulkar’s retirement.

3. Satyamev Jayathe’s latest episode.

4. Mumbai- Then and Now.

etc, etc…

Salesmen selling everything from sewing needles to tooth-brush can be found inside Mumbai locals. You need a chocolate?, pen?, toilet cleaner?, credit card?. You would get it all here.They are another great way to pass time. The way these people go on about selling their items is awesome to see. There is an interesting unwritten rule you can take any item you wish, use it all you want on the pretext of testing it, and then return it to the salesman without paying a penny. This is how I write most of my assignments. Taking pens from salesmen, writing a 10 page assignment and then returning it to the poor guy saying the pen is not working fine.

If this is not enough, you can always enjoy surprise athletics performances by kids for free. Small homeless kids will do a somersault, backflip, walk on their hands and what not just to keep you entertained. It’s upon you to reward them with money or just encourage their talent by saying,” Chutta nahi he!. Chal aage!”.

They might return your favour by saying,” Abe Chutta kya, paisa hi nahi he bol na sidhe sidhe!” OR ” Me deta hu na chutta. Kitne ka chahiye bol sirf.”

I hope you would have reached your destination by now because I have nothing else to write, goddamit!

Yes you guessed it right. The post has ended. I believe, In a way my posts are like shit. You think there is still left but actually its finished. (Dafaq am I writing?!)

Like always, If you do not share this post, you would have wet dreams about Justin Beiber for the rest of your life.

Thanks.

Good Night.

Sweet Dreams.

The Curse of the Customer Care Executives!

14 Jun

Foreword:

I have created a Facebook page for this crappy thing which some people refer to as a blog. It was embarrassing to like a page that you yourself have created. So there are currently 0 likes for the page.

But I would like to mention here that for every like,Facebook has vowed to donate 1$ to a cancer stricken 3 year old poor girl in Yugoslavakia. So join me in this noble cause of liking the page in Facebook.

Also, the first guy/gal liking the page on Facebook stands a chance to win an exclusive gift hamper* from me.

*Gift hamper would be delivered to you in your dreams.

The Curse of the Customer Care Executives!

“Hey! My name is Mallika Saxena. How may I help you?” said the beautiful voice on the other end of the phone.

I , being the forever alone guy, jumped with joy on hearing the female voice. I must mention here that the only other time I speak with the fairer sex on the phone is when my mother calls me.

On hearing the voice of Mallika Saxena, I instantly made up an imaginary image of her which somewhat resembled like this picture I found in the internet.

Flashback:

No one at home. Me gusta browsing the net in the incognito window. After hours of searching, I found something worthwhile. I put it to download and wait with bated breaths for it to complete. Download is 99% complete.

My heartbeats increase.

The moment is about to ‘cum’ (Pun Intended).

And then my worst nightmare comes to life. The scumbag internet decides to go to sleep.

For girls who did not sense the gravity of the situation, it is like you are about to watch “Bade Ache Lagte he” and the cable connection goes down. Yes, now you know.

This is one of the most painful moments of life almost comparable to a hit in the crotch.

What am I supposed to do now.?

I decide to hit back!

I find out the number of my Internet Service Provider and call the customer care ready to spill all my frustration on whoever picks up the phone.

I imagine a conversation in my head where I give the customer care guy an earful and he apologises , convincing me that such a thing will not happen again and as a mark of apology the internet service provider shall give me the option of unlimited downloads for a month.

The number connects.

“Welcome to BSFN broadband service.”

“Hindi ke liye 1 dabaiye.”

“Marathi sati 2 daba.”

“For English press 3.”

“For Persian astaha 4”

“Alhabibi Arabic 5”

“Chin tu na Mandarin 6”

.

.

I press 3 quickly without listening to other options so that I preserve my anger and frustration.

“Select the service you want to proceed to.”

“For listening to new offers press 1.”

“For knowing your outstanding bill press 2.”

“To learn Tamil in 30 days press 3.”

“To know the chances of Pranab Mukherjee becoming president, press 4.”

.

.

”For broadband related problems, press 264”

On a another note, By this time I had completed my 12 page Maths assignment.

I press 264.

“If you want to listen to Justin Beiber, press 1.”

“If you think Amir is better than SRK press 2.”

“If you suffer from herpes press 3.”

“If you are a douchebag press 4.”

.

.

“If the broadband service is down, press 456.”

I had almost forgot why I had called until this came along. I pressed 456 quickly hoping that I reach the customer care executive before my next birthday.

“If you have’nt paid the bill, press 1.”

“If you do not have a girlfriend press 2.”

“If you want to know today’s horoscope, press 3.”

“If you want to know whether the world is really going to end on 2012 press 4.”

.

.

“If you want to talk to our customer care executive press 1023.”

Yes the time had come.

I had written all my arguments in a piece of paper so that I do not forget them.

I pressed 1023.

Cut to present:

“Hey! My name is Mallika Saxena. How may I help you?” said the beautiful voice on the other end of the phone.

Oh, a lady. I almost had tears in my eyes. I threw the piece of paper in the dump. How could I be so cruel to argue with such an innocent soul who was there to help me.

“Uhh, my broadband service is down. Can you please start it at the earliest?” I said.

“Sir, may I please know your name, your phone number, date of birth, sun sign, colour of the eyes…blah..blah..?”

I was more than happy to give her all the details. It is not everyday that some girl asks my phone number.

“Okkay sir. I would like to know how may I help you?”

“Uhh. I already said that. I need you to restart my broadband connection.”

“Okkay sir. I would just check your status in my computer.

Sir, your broadband service is ON, from what I can see on my computer.”

Now was one of the rare times when a girl was beginning to piss me off.

“Yeah.well from what I can see from My computer is that the Net is down.” I replied.

“Okaay sir. I would help you out.

Sir, I would advice you to turn off the modem and then turn it on again.”

I was not sure about this new technological invention of repairing a modem by switching it on or off.

Nevertheless, I tried.

“Mam, this does not seem to work.”

“Okkayy sir. I would help you out.

Which operating sytem do you use sir?”

What does an OS have to do with my net connection.But still I replied.

“Okkayy sir. I would help ou out.

What washing powder you use sir?”

“What shaving cream you use sir?”

“What brand of footwear you use sir.?”

.

.

After patiently answering all her questions, I still could not get internet access on my computer.

I figured she also might have been embarrassed since she could not help me out. So she told me to hold the line while she transferred the call to her superior.

I kept my fingers crossed hoping that this superior would be a female but with a little more knowledge.

A nice tune began playing on the other side.

I waited and waited for the superior to come.

After a short nap, I noticed the superior had still not come. I was about to hang up disappointed when suddenly a voice appeared on the other line.

“Hello. Your call is precious to us. Please wait while we direct your call to a customer care executive.”

No one has ever, in my life,  said that my call is precious. How could I now hang up on them, even if it was an automated voice.

So I stayed and stayed on line and wrote this piece of shit in the meantime.

I am still waiting for that senior to answer my call.

I hope that day will come soon.

Till then may all the BAMF customer care executives rot in hell.

Thanks for psychologically scarring me for life.

Share this article on 75 of your friend’s wall or you will also suffer from the curse of the customer care executive.

Have a nice day!

        

People you find in a class..!@##$!

22 Mar

Preface:

I had kept this blogging shit to myself and not told anyone about it, for obvious reasons. But a chew-tea-ya friend of mine managed to catch me right in the act and decided to make a chew-tea-ya of me by sharing it on facebook. Worst part is he tagged me.

I expected friends to laugh at me for the crap I had written; but shockingly a handful (3,to be precise) of people said they liked it.(Of course I know they said it just out of courtesy.)

But that was enough for me to come back again and write some more crap here. So, with an idea; which a friend of mine suggested; I would like to tell you something about…

                                                                       PEOPLE YOU FIND IN A CLASS..!@##$!

Before starting directly with my topic, I would like to first give you a brief intro of my college.

I go to a college which is located in somewhat a village. It is said that people come here not because they wanted to do engineering, but because they did something very bad in their previous birth and  God wanted to punish them. Professors in here teach in a native language which they themselves do not understand. The students here smoke weed as past time. There are more security guards in the campus than teachers; just in case some gang war erupts amongst  some different tribes of the village. The classrooms look like there has been a radiation leak in there sometime in the past.

The point is, no matter how shitty your college is, the people you may find in your classroom are more or less going to be the same.So, as you read this post , don’t be surprised if you come across individuals that are strikingly similar to the ones in your class.

Nerds:

The first type of people you come across in the class have to be the nerds. The reason you come across them first is because they are the ones who would be warming their butts sitting on the first bench, dumbo. They generally would have worn specs and would have a pen/pencil in their hands taking down whatever the teacher tells as if their life depended on it. A glimpse of their books would make your head dizzy. It is advisable that you maintain a safe distance from such people unless you want their help in assignments. These category of people are the only species in mankind who like to get drowned in shit.This is evident from the fact that they are the ones who go and remind the teachers to give an assignment (much to the teacher’s amusement.) They generally have a small set of 3-4 friends and their most common topic discussion ranges from the pseudo atomic particles in Higgs Bosom to the dynamics of vareid equilibrium in De Broglie’s hypothesis. Their favourite past time is licking some teacher’s ass. The teachers’ also don’t mind giving these people some extra marks for this licking. They are the only ones who could recognize the college librarian.They have a time table for every thing. Sources tell me that some of them even shit only once a week and and that too for about 2.5 minutes. They wear adult diapers to save time lost due to pissing.(Dafaq am I writing.!?). I guess time to go on to the next category of people ; and they are:

The Band Of Brothers:

They are the ‘brothers from another mother’. On an average they have 15-20 people in their gang. The band of brothers do not tolerate any kind of interference from the fairer sex in their daily functioning. They normally are people who have failed to get laid in their lifetime and hence find happiness the company of their male friends. They are the ones who posses the ability to piss off any teacher present on this universe. Newly appointed teachers are believed to shit in their pants when they come across these men. Their smile is enough to get them thrown out of class. Their ability to pass comments on any topic makes nerds envious of them. They find immense joy in making fun of the nerds. But this is all done behind their backs so that there would not be any problems on the assignments front. People in this category cannot tolerate injustice. They plan to protest and do something to stop it, but only among themselves.And submitting an assignment within a week or compulsory attendance comes under injustice for the Band of Brothers.

The Band of brothers also usually have unique characters among them. There is the Funny guy who talks non sense all day.Then there is the Smart guy. He is moderately good in studies. He is the only link between the Band of Brothers and The Nerds. Without him the Band of Brothers would not ever be able to write an assignment.The Rich guy also deserves a mention here. Then there is this guy who has got some worms in his ass(please translate it into Hindi.Literally.) He is the one who gets everyone into trouble and would be always playing some pranks on his fellow brothers. Okay I guess its getting increasingly stupid here. I would like to move on to the next category of people. Oh yes! and I would have to mention that the Band of Brothers sometimes can also be a part of another category of students in class, which will be discussed later.

The Invisible Guy:

 One does not simply spot the Invisible guy in classroom.He is the most sought after character in the class. Every bod wishes that they could also someday develop his devil-may-care attitude. He believes bunking lectures is his birth right. Black lists have become his friends.He may not be seen around in the college campus but still he knows everything going around in the college through his mysterious sources. How he manages to still complete all his assignments in time, is a mystery which scientists have failed to decipher since ages. Whenever he does come to the college, he is greeted like a soldier returning from war. You cannot write much more about this guy since he is invisible dumbass. Moving on to the next set of morons.

The Flirt:

Guys hate him because the gals love him. One will always find this guy amongst the hot girls of the class. What he talks to them is something the single guys have been trying to find since the dark ages. A small demonstration of why the single guys are pissed off with the Flirt guy will help you.

Normal Guy Flirt Guy
Dresses his best. No one notices it.       Wears old torn clothes. All girls go gaga over his sense of style.
Smiles at a girl. She thinks he is a pervert. Smiles at a girl. Girl hugs him back.
Asks for an assignment. Girl says its incomplete.  Asks for an assignment. Gets a BJ.
Cracks the greatest joke of the century.2 people laugh Including him.  Cracks the same joke. All the girls in the class laugh and them compliment him for his great sense of humor.
Has 165 friends on facebook with 50 female friends. Has 1025 friends on facebook with 987 female friends.

So you can clearly see the double standards here.

Moving on to the last category of students.

Last Benchers:

They can be called the exact antithesis of nerds. They hate the nerds. They believe they can too top the class if they wanted to and they are doing the nerds a favor by not studying.

These people can also be sometimes grouped under the Band of Brothers because of their almost similar traits.

They believe in being eco-friendly and hence use only one notebook for the whole semester. They try to minimize the use of pens as much as possible and try to memorize everything the teacher tells them. They do this with their eyes closed. The teachers often mistake this technique for sleeping.

These people have an excellent sense of humor and can laugh on jokes which even a 3 year old won’t find funny.Sadly the teachers don’t share their sense of humor.

During a lecture,these people often have intensive discussions on varied topics ranging from ‘the present state of politics’ to ‘how to impress the hottest girl in the class’; which are obviously far more important issues than solving double integration.

That’s it. If you are still reading this post, then you should be proud of yourself. This post was especially written to test your patience.Now at least show the courtesy of leaving behind a comment,bitch.

A quick guide on ‘How to board (& travel in a) a local train in Mumbai?’ !!?!@#

11 Jan

With no comments on my posts and no one following my blog, I do have to admit that it is getting increasingly mindf**k out here. But I would not quit. I am an engineer after all. By the time we engineers complete our course, a deep sense of shamelessness and hopelessness has been inculcated into our minds.

So taking cue from Greenday ,’I walk alone’.:(

Now with the hope that the above para has made you senti enough to follow my blog, I come to my topic of discussion.

‘How to board a local train in Mumbai..?!@?@’

Before I go ahead with this quick guide, I must warn you that boarding a local train in Mumbai is no child’s play. It has been reported that even Bear Grylls found this task next to impossible. So I cannot assure you in any way that you would be able to successfully/safely board a local train even after thoroughly going through this blog.

To make you realize that I am not exactly exaggerating here;  I attach a video herewith. Please watch it carefully.

Note:  Please Do not Try This At Your Own without proper guidance.

To begin with, there are numerous styles of boarding a local train in Mumbai. People in each railway station have their own unique style of getting into a local train. Today, I am going to teach you the ‘Dombivilikar’ style of getting into a train since that is my area of expertise.

The ‘Dombivlikar’ style of boarding the train is what has evolved from the minds of hardworking/impatient people of Dombivli. This style is very efficient if it is executed with perfection. It can be modified and be used in almost all stations if and when required.

The first step in the ‘Dombivlikar’ style of boarding trains starts as soon as you step into the railway platform. You have to make a poker face and stand in the platform as if you have all the time in the world; without letting the fellow commuters get even hint of a doubt that you are going to board the next train. It would be icing on the cake if you get to stand near a fan at the platform (even though you wont feel any air, it somehow psychologically eases you and makes you ready for the coming storm). After you are done with this, take your backpack/bag and put it ahead of your chest. Now empty your pockets into the bag. The spectacles (& the watch) too are better off in the bag unless you become blind without them. Now stand there in the platform with your bag in front of you feeling like a pregnant women. All this has to be done in a matter of not more than 3-4 minutes.

By this time you would hear a distant honk and also see a little hustle bustle in the platform, which is an indication of the coming train. You still have to remain Poker face. You could also take a step backwards, but I would not recommend that to you, unless you are a pro. Now, you would see the train entering the platform. Still poker face.And now its time for Step two.So, when finally the train slows down to a speed you can run at; you have to make your MOVE; and take your fellow commuters by surprise.

So what is your MOVE.?!. Your move is that you have to run along with the train shouting some random words and then take a leap of faith onto the train, as the train is still moving. Sounds simple, ai’nt it.?!. Well, its not that simple when you have 50 people trying to get out of the train. But you cannot back down once you have hopped into the train. Any sympathy that you have for the poor people wanting to alight from the train will make you weak. So , you would have to forget about them for some time. You are now entitled to catch hold of anything that is within your arm’s reach. So grab the nearest pole or maybe the steel handles and never let go of it. This is gonna last for maybe a minute or so.

After you have done this MOVE, there is not much to do for a couple of minutes. Your fellow commuters will do the rest. All you have to do is relax and now let go of the handles or anything that you had grabbed in the second step. The ever so helpful people of Dombivli will push you inside the compartment without you even asking for it. Another thing to remember is that you have to shout “Daaba Daaba Daaba”( Press Press Press- I hope you do get what it means in the right context) all along this step. If you are a beginner then you must be warned that the the total thrust that is applied on you would make you feel; for a moment, like a mashed potato; or you may even feel like puking if you had more than your share of breakfast.

Now comes step three.You inch your way into the compartment. Scan for even a centimeter of area available and somehow settle into that space.You must now say “Are aat madhe tar puri khalich ahe train.!” (The train’s so empty in here) with a serious face, to anyone in your vicinity to show that you are a regular.This would make you eligible for a seat if someone gets off in some station before you. Once inside you can always do things like reading a newspaper to challenge yourselves further.

Step four involves the art of alighting from trains. You must try to reach the door of the compartment atleast two stations before your destination; thats when you would be able to get anywhere near the door.Point to remember is that you must make sure you know on which side the platform is going to come, well in advance. Once you start making your way to the doorway, you must ask every single guy in front of you; “Utraychayy?!!” (Getting off.?!). This will be followed by either a nod or maybe the guy would make some way for you to go ahead of him. If you notice the nod, you must now patiently stand behind him smelling his hair oil. You must also see to it that you are not too far away from the doorway or else the ghosts of those people; whom you denied the right to alight, would come back to haunt you.

Once you sense that the train is somewhere near the platform, you must loudly say “Chala Chala” (Walk Walk). Now, you leave the handles or any other support you had been taking , and again leave it to the ever so helpful commuters of Mumbai Locals, to help you safely alight from the train.

Once you have alighted, check your body to see that you are still in one piece. Then thank God that you have safely reached your destination without you falling of the train or maybe some terrorist ripping your compartment apart for some stupid reason.

Now that you have read all this, you are fully equipped to travel in a local train. But you must also understand that there are ‘millions’ (haha.I wish!)  of people reading this blog and so they too may have developed the same set of skills that you have developed now. Thus, its very necessary to have a competitive edge. So try to modify this technique and develop your own style to suit your own needs.

I am not going to tell you now to comment on this post.

All I am going to tell you is that if you do not share this post on every social networking site ; that you have an account in; then you are going to fail in your coming exams, lose your girlfriend/boyfriend to a gay friend, and maybe you will be the only one to die on 21 December 2012.

Have a nice day.

Women Shopping Syndrome.!?!@##!!

8 Jan

Sorry, I came back earlier than you expected. But when such big chew-tea-ya pantis happen in your life you cant help but let your heart cry out in front of someone.(In my case,its the computer screen)

Now my mind is so numb by the ordeal it went through just few hours ago, that it cant even think of a good start to this post.(Really, or else I normally start my posts like…you know how.!, Now,dont make me search for metaphors.)

You must be clever enough to have understood where this post is going by the title itself.But you cannot;in any way; really understand the mental torture that I went through because of taking something as serious as shopping with a woman lightly.

Let me start from the beginning because we both know that we both have plenty of time to waste.(Else you would not have been reading this,silly.)

Today, on the 6th day of the new year 2012,(thats when I wrote this post but I publish it today i.e on 8th day of the new year) when i woke up @8 in the morning; the first thing that I saw was that India had lost Gautam Gambhir but were still comfortably at something around 285-4 with sachin & laxman batting nicely. (But by now India have already lost the match and the Indian media looks fully geared up to bang dhoni).

So,the point is I was fairly in a good mood inspite of the fact that we didnt get water today too; which meant I had to go one more day without bathing. Trying to take advantage of my mood,my mom thought of somehow luring me into coming for shopping with her.But am I that innocent.!!?..NoOOO was my answer and I dozed of again to the beautiful dream land.

But my mother is an old prick.She knows how to play her cards well.Out came her ‘lets-go-to-the-temple-its–new-year’ card.And on behalf of the whole engineering students fraternity,I can tell you that we can never say no to going to a temple /church/mosque/gurudwara because it is by the Grace of this almighty that we somehow scrape through our exams.Thus, I was checkmated into ‘going to the temple*’ with her. But unfortunately I could not see the small asterick(*) above it which said Conditions Apply.My mother happily interpreted that as going to the temple and then for shopping.

Now, let me come straight to the Women Shopping Syndrome.

This peculiar syndrome generally occurs in women right from the time they can count the money in their piggy banks and to the time they can count the number of days to their deathbed.The cure of this syndrome is something which scientists from all over the world have been trying to find and have been as successful as the Indian Government in dealing with corruption.The symptoms and the effect of this syndrome (on the people in contact with these ailing people) is what I am going to discuss now.

I first came across this syndrome long ago but I would leave the tale for another time. So what did I see when I went to shopping with my mother this weekend.

The most important thing is that you must understand that the people suffering from this syndrome do not themselves know that they suffer from such a syndrome. No matter how hard you try to tell them about it, they will never accept the truth. So you must quit trying and try to take them as they are.

Note: From now, I am going to use the word ‘women’ instead of using the word ‘people’ again and again.

The first and most important thing about shopping and women is that they themselves do not have any faintest of the ideas about what they are looking for. They just know that they want to shop for something and that’s all.I can give a very good case study to prove my point.

Case study 1:

I ask Mummy before the shopping trip as to what exactly is that we are looking for. She replies with “Nothing Specific” ; which in itself should have set my internal alarm bells ringing. But unfortunately it did not. We go around the market place looking at each item and then pondering if we need them. I feel so stupid following her in the market place without knowing where should I look  and maybe help my mother in solving her dilemma. But she does not seem interested in my help. We reach home after 9 hours with things which we would probably need in the next life.

The next important thing is that, when women go shopping; they forget everything science has ever discovered about something called ‘Time’. They seem to go to a new dimension altogether. Now whether they do it intentionally or not is something which has remained a mystery. I present another case study before you.

Case Study 2:

I and Mummy Shopping for a Saree. She enters the store. Time is 1100 hours. She starts looking for a saree. After going through every other saree that is there in the store , she looks at me to say that maybe the store is not good enough for her. Time is 1300 hours. I remain silent as I know I am as helpless as the Indian cricket team in Australia. We hop onto another store. This time I am prepared. I fake that I got an important call and get out of the store in search of better network. I go to a nearby mall, watch a movie and come back to the same store. She is still there. Time is 1500 hours. She says maybe the first store was better. We go there again. Time is 2000 hours. We are home without any saree. And the worse part is she does not have any remorse what so ever about the mental harassment I suffered.

The above point can also be made with respect to money. When women shop, they do not realize how much they are wasting on stuff that is anyhow going to perish in about 350 days (given that the Mayans are correct). (But they surely will ;surprisingly enough;realize the importance of money when their innocent kid wants a PSP or a new cell phone.) But it must be noted that, when the shopping spree ends and they reach their homes they would fret over how expensive, things have become and how they would have considered not buying some items only if someone had told them so (really.!!?).

Also, it has been observed that when people raise any issues about the demerits of shopping in front of a women; it can lead to serious health implications. (Ask my father).

I think if you are reading this then it shows the utmost patience you posses. With this patience you have, I know that you will not mind the abrupt ending of this post.

If you think this post was crap, then do comment. I would be elated to know there is someone out there. It actually feels like you are talking to yourself in the middle of the road if no one comments on your post (sad na.!).

So you really did come here duuhhh..!!!..

3 Jan

Now what  should I write here is something which I myself have been thinking of for the past two hours.Normally an engineering student should not have any difficulty as such to write something, on any topic for that matter; given that we are generally accustomed to writing multiple page answers on things which we have’nt even heard of before (what was the need to say that?!!?- i don’t know).

So what is this blog about..!?!

I see that as we step into 2012, the amount of chew-tea-ya panti people do on this planet is rising on an exponential scale (some may attribute it and hence link it with the Mayan prophecy and some others more enlightened like Diggy Sing will believe RSS has a hand over it). I sincerely don’t know the cause of this chew-tea-ya-panti nor do I intend to find it some day. All I am gonna do is put forward the chew-tea-ya panti happening all around my life in simple words (simple words because i have a weak vocabulary, dumbass) on this blog.

We must realize that the chew-tea-panti happening all around us is not a small issue that can be swept under the carpet. It is more serious issue almost comparable to global warming, world peace or even water problems in the city of Dombivli. It is growing at such an alarming rate that it can be no longer be ignored. You must all try your best to stop this chew-tea-ya panti (irony is that,sadly you can do nothing about this blog). How you do this is simple.You go to the guy/gal who is indulging in the aforementioned act and politely tell him”arre yarr ye chew-tea-ya panti band karo..”. Not too hard,is it.?

The hard part is actually when the guy/gal will return your favor. So you must be on the tip of your toes every moment.(I sincerely don’t know where this post is going.)

On a personal note, I have been indulging  in acts of gross chew-tea-ya panti ever since I was a sperm inside my dad. And then one day all of a sudden, I realized that this chew-tea-ya panti was leading me nowhere. I had to take stock of my life and channel my chew-tea-ya panti into something productive. I just did that and unfortunately it is you who is on the receiving end of the channel.

I plan to write a post every week (even though there is enough chew-tea-ya panti happening all around to write a post every day).

Leaving a comment or following my blog or sharing this post will not kill you. So do the needful.

Reporting this blog will do you no good either.

So till then stay chew-tea-ya, stay hungry.! (wot dafaaq was dat..!?..i’ll try to think of a better parting line till my next post)

good night..!