Today’s episode of Satyamev Jayate was about caste discrimination, untouchability and other shitty stuff going on in India. Hah!. Somebody tell Aamir Khan to try boarding a local train in Mumbai during rush hour! People of all castes touch each other here. All his fears about caste discrimination will be laid to rest for sure.
I had written an earlier post about local trains which had (I don’t know how but) managed to make it to corner of page 6 of a newspaper. With the same hope, I write this post for my non-existent followers.
Before you continue with this post, I must tell you that there are a few pre-requisites for reading this post. The main need being that you must know how to board a local train; without which you would not know how the interior of a train looks like and would not be able to properly connect with this post. I assume, almost every Mumbaikar would easily fulfill this requirement. But for the few remaining douchebags, please go through this post and enlighten yourselves.
So, now that you know how to board a train, let me go ahead and tell you what people do inside a local train/you should do inside a local train.
Once inside a train, there are only two possibilities. The train is as empty as your mind OR the train’s as full as your stomach after a free meal. The chances of the first possibility is very rare and it can occur only if you are lucky enough to board the train from the source station. Other times, you have to wage a war to get some space for your toes, once inside the train. I will consider both the possibilities in detail (because I do not have anything else to do!).
Now considering the train is empty when you board the train. There are chances that you might be overwhelmed by this sight and start crying but you must control your emotions and remember why you are here in the first place. If you do not find the best possible seat available for you, your mission in life has failed. So remember your running race in school and run with all the energy you have, as if your life depended on it. But where do you run? You run to a window seat. Not just any ordinary window seat but a window seat which is aligned in the direction of train. This is the only goal in your life. There would be many people who would try to cross your path. But you must not lose your focus until you meet your objective. Any other seat other than the window seat and you must realize that you may be not game for it anymore. A thing to remember is that the seats have to be filled in a particular order like the one shown below. The picture is self-explanatory.
Now assuming, you did not manage to get a seat. Do not lose heart. Stand near a packed seat and touch the shoulder of guy sitting in seat no 3. Now touch the hip of the guy sitting in seat no. 2. Do all this with your sorry face (Yes, the one you use to get extra pocket-money from your mother). Both the guys would twitch their ass a little. And lo! on completion of this magic ritual a little fourth seat would appear out of nowhere just for you!
Once you are seated, borrow a newspaper from any random guy you see. The newspaper is a public property inside the local trains. But do remember to return the paper before you alight from the train to avoid any trouble. The level of your experience inside a local train can be judged by the way you read the paper inside these trains.
Eventually, the train is going to get crowded to the hilt. Never smirk at people who are hanging their asses off the door. They might not take it lightly and you might repent it the day you would be in their place.
Possibility number two is that the train is super crowded and you somehow manage to get inside using my teachings.
There is not much you can do apart from running your nose through the hair of the guy in front of you; imagining him to be Megan Fox. If you are an engineering student,you might count the number of hands per handle and try to calculate the total number of people in the whole compartment. In such places you must try NOT to remember the porn you watched last night or the sexy time you had with your partner. A slight bulge in your body in the wrong place would lead to a lot of awkward moments for you and the guy standing in front of you. It might also occasionally get you thrown out of the moving train.
Now, remove your bag (if you are carrying any that is) and give it to the guy standing in position no 7 (see diagram). These guys are the designated coolies inside the local train. They have to take your luggage, find a suitable place for it in the attic and also hand it back over to you whenever feel like hopping off the train.
You must always try to find a place for yourselves below the fans. If they are not working, borrow a pen and give the blades a slight push to start them. This is an old technology developed and patented by Mumbai Railways for saving electricity.
Reading other people’s messages is a good way to pass time in such circumstances. However, you have to be careful while doing this. Getting caught would not be a pleasant experience. But the chat messages you read are sometimes dead hilarious. So its worth the risk. Just the other day, unfortunately I saw a guy typing this on his cellphone,
“Janu, Some weirdo a$$hole is peeking over my shoulders and trying to read the messages. Why doesn’t he bug off!?..”.
I got the hint and moved over to another guy’s messages.
Engineering students and old men can be seen reading religious chants and stuff. A recent study by the Mumbai Railways has shown that these chants are sufficient enough to protect the local trains from terrorists’ wrath and hence no extra security is needed for the trains.
If you are an intellectual kind of person, then you can start a group discussion any moment inside the trains. You do not need to know anybody here. You just have to make a statement about any of the perennial topics given below and everyone would join in.
1. Indian Governments’s inability to tackle corruption.
2. Ideal time for Sachin Tendulkar’s retirement.
3. Satyamev Jayathe’s latest episode.
4. Mumbai- Then and Now.
etc, etc…
Salesmen selling everything from sewing needles to tooth-brush can be found inside Mumbai locals. You need a chocolate?, pen?, toilet cleaner?, credit card?. You would get it all here.They are another great way to pass time. The way these people go on about selling their items is awesome to see. There is an interesting unwritten rule you can take any item you wish, use it all you want on the pretext of testing it, and then return it to the salesman without paying a penny. This is how I write most of my assignments. Taking pens from salesmen, writing a 10 page assignment and then returning it to the poor guy saying the pen is not working fine.
If this is not enough, you can always enjoy surprise athletics performances by kids for free. Small homeless kids will do a somersault, backflip, walk on their hands and what not just to keep you entertained. It’s upon you to reward them with money or just encourage their talent by saying,” Chutta nahi he!. Chal aage!”.
They might return your favour by saying,” Abe Chutta kya, paisa hi nahi he bol na sidhe sidhe!” OR ” Me deta hu na chutta. Kitne ka chahiye bol sirf.”
I hope you would have reached your destination by now because I have nothing else to write, goddamit!
Yes you guessed it right. The post has ended. I believe, In a way my posts are like shit. You think there is still left but actually its finished. (Dafaq am I writing?!)
Like always, If you do not share this post, you would have wet dreams about Justin Beiber for the rest of your life.
Thanks.
Good Night.
Sweet Dreams.
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- The Mumbai Local (unsortedrandomthoughts.wordpress.com)